“The smile on my face doesn’t mean my life is perfect. It means I appreciate what I have and what God has blessed me with.” ~Unknown
Dear Brother in Christ, Today marks a year since you sent me an email talking about how we lost contact with each other. You mentioned that you figured out that I was in a relationship with another girl, and that as my reference I should have disclosed that information with you, and then you suggested I share the information with my employers. I did so, and the following week I met with one of them to discuss the situation and what would happen from that point on. Afterwards, we started talking about my story, and the coming out process, and he mentioned that you had emailed him. This was new information to me, and I asked when you had sent the email. You did so before you had emailed me. I later asked my other employer if you had contacted him, and he responded by referring me to you, in other words yes you had. I understand why the information needed to be shared, and I understand where I need to take responsibility and fault. However, the one thing I truly just cannot be fair about or find any reason for it being okay, is the fact that you informed my employers about my relationship before I was even aware you had any idea about the relationship. This would imply that you never confirmed or asked me about it, and you also did not receive my consent to share the information. I was unaware and never gave you the okay to share part of story. A part that I was still wrestling with and afraid to share with anyone outside of North Park. The day after your email, April 15, marked my 6 month anniversary. I had been debating making a post and “fully” coming out, but was leaning towards not doing so. However, I felt like I was being forced to come out anyway since you called me out for my lack of honesty, so I said, “what the hell! If I have to tell my employers I might as we tell the world.” So I made a post. This made it so some of my closest friends found out over Facebook rather from me personally, and it has strained my relationship with those people. You hurt me. I can’t give an elaborate explanation or analysis or thesis about how and why. Though, someone once told me (it is also probably some cheesy quote) that you may not remember what was done or said to you, but you will always remember how they made you feel. For months I was pissed. Flat out infuriated. I could not do or look at or partake in anything that reminded of you or The Loft or the Covenant and in turn Christianity. I could not wear Loft shirts (I even removed them from my drawer). I could not read my favorite author, because she is Christian. I did not want to talk to or see my friends because they were covenant or they were Christian or went to North Park. I considered transferring schools, but I could not go to the only public institution I was interested in because it is in Minnesota, and you are from Minnesota. I think you get my point. Since coming out, I have lost friends or we are at least not nearly as close as we were. I notice changes in the way people act around me. I notice eye rolls. I sense hidden agendas. I sense the strong attempts to act normal. I try so incredibly hard to not place this on the fact that they are Christian (and yes they all are. It is those that are not Christian that have given me endless support.) I also realize that I act differently too, but I expect to be treated differently. This is stereotype threat. It is also self-handicapping and the self-fulfilling prophecy, but it is still rooted in the idea that people are judging me and think less of me. And to be honest I have noticed this. Mostly in the form of microaggression, which is partly why I am so obsessed with the topic, but I won’t get into that now. My depression has worsened, and part of this is on me. Me trying to give grace and forgive so easily and quickly without allowing myself time to grieve. Me being stubborn. The way my mind interprets things; it told me that I did something wrong, that I was hurting people, and that I was to blame, but I combated that. I fought it so much so that I ended up switching the blame to everyone and everything associated with God and Christianity (especially evangelism). I used too many cognitive distortions for coping to name them all. And satan took advantage of all this. Once I began to drop, once I hated God, satan grabbed me and pulled me under. Satan told me you ripped my heart out and served it on a silver platter to him. He fed me lie after lie after lie, and I licked that plate clean. Although, I can’t give satan all the credit. I told myself a lot of this too, as did society. I was told that everything I learned about Christianity, was wrong, invalid, or irrelevant. This is not true though. You have been a tremendous light, hope and source of strength in my life. You taught me about a life that has incredible purpose and value. You taught me that I have incredible purpose and value. You see my strengths, address my weaknesses, and help me to overcome my obstacles so that I can be the very best that I can be. You see strong leadership abilities in me, and you see my potential to change the world through this ability. You have supported me when others have not. When my aspirations seemed far-fetched and ridiculous you encouraged me and got excited with me. You know my heart, and you know what I need. Sometimes you slip up, but we all do. We are only human. And I accept the fullness of our humanity. Every part. The good, the bad, and those in between. We are made in God’s image. This means that those of any race, class, education level, gender, sexual orientation, etc. reflect God’s image. It means that those I disagree with, those that have harmed me, those that have opposite opinions of me…reflect God. Their opinions reflect God, and my opinions reflect God. God has more than one perspective, more than one opinion, more than one reflection. Brother, you are someone I look up to. You have tremendous faith. You are a brilliant youth leader. A phenomenal pastor. A loving husband. An affectionate father. A person after God’s own heart. A true follower of Christ. A humble servant. A patient learner. An honest conversationalist. And my friend. But, brother, you have hurt me the most, and you are one of the greatest and truest people I have met. I think it safe to say you are one of the greatest and truest people I will ever meet. And if the denomination allowed it, I would be honored if you officiated my wedding. It has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. Thank you for being with me, and not just beside me. Love and Faith, Melanie J. Lofgren
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“People, after finding out I've dated a female, assume all my other male relationships were invalid because I was hiding or lying to myself.” ~Bisexual female
The most beautiful and productive conversations I have had are those with atheists. Atheists have a way of being curious and open and caring. It makes sense, as Christians, we base our entire lives on the belief that there is a God that guides our lives, is all powerful, and provides endless love and grace. And if there is a potential danger or harm towards this belief we feel threatened, and therefore defend ourselves. A very instinctual and evolutionary response. However, humans do have a higher level of functioning, so in theory we should be able to overcome this. I attribute my ability to have beautiful conversations with atheists to this factor, the instinctual drive to protect ourselves. Or rather my ability to ignore and overcome this drive, and embrace the differing opinions and the awkwardness that often presides with these conversations. I recently visited with my teacher, an atheist. I did not expect to visit him as often as I do after graduation, but after visiting him once, and seeing the sincerity in his offer to come back as well as his genuine curiosity in how evolution is taught at a Christian university, I had to visit again, so I did. Every break we chat for a while and every time we discuss Christianity, science, and the questions we both have and address our ignorance in the others' expertise (his being biology, mine being Christianity-though I would hardly call myself an expert). I rarely have an answer or at least a complete and well worded answer. And it doesn't matter. We just want to hear each other out and learn about how we do life. Which often leads us to discussing my life, and he provides advice or simply intuitive responses that serve to provide another perspective without being overbearing and judgmental, intentionally or otherwise. He is partially why I believe that Christians tend to be more microaggressive than those who are not. In my last blog I briefly mentioned the term microaggression in reference to potential things said and done that are hurtful. This semester I did a research project on microaggression. I decided to do this project because I have been experiencing microaggression, and have noticed it taking a toll on me. I also began to notice a relationship between microaggression and Christianity, so I conducted my study on this correlation between the seriousness of one's Christian faith and their microaggressive tendencies towards the LGBTQIA+ community. Before I get ahead of myself I will define the term microaggression. According to Dr. Sue on Psychology Today, “microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.” The official title of my study was Christianity and Microaggressive Tendencies towards the LGBTQIA+ community (brevity was definitely a concern of mine). I used a survey that asked about comfortability and appropriateness of situations involving LGBTQIA+ persons in order to predict the participants’ microaggressive tendencies. I additionally asked them about comfortability when it came to a sibling coming out. Participants were further asked to determine whether terms associated with a marginalized group were appropriate or not. The survey included questions about the seriousness of the participants’ Christian faith as well as demographics. Deception was used in order prevent all forms of bias and to receive the most accurate and predictive results. I found an interesting pattern complementing my hypothesis. The more serious a Christian is about their faith the more probable it becomes that they are to be microaggressive. This is intriguing despite having predicted this correlation. Christian teachings encourage equality, acceptance, non-judgement, and unconditional love for all. Microaggression does not correspond with these teachings. In fact, it leads to inequality, rejection, judgement and resentment. This being said, it is crucial that Christians, and everyone, becomes familiar with microaggression, and the ensuing implications. The concept of unintentionality within microaggression makes it incredibly difficult to foresee and discern if one is being microaggressive at a certain moment or to a certain marginalized person or persons. Christians are at a larger threat due to the innate notion that they are living a life in-line with the Bible (the teachings previously mentioned), and thus are more susceptible to microaggressing with no second thought of what they are saying or doing. My results show, even without statistically significant results, that Christians have an inclination to be microaggressive towards the LGBTQIA+ community. When I visit my teacher I never feel microaggressed, and this reigns true when I am hanging out or talking with my atheist friends as well. I do not know if they are all strive to avoid microaggressive phrases and actions (and have heard about microaggression) or if those who do not believe in God are more sensitive to others' feelings and opinions naturally. I would have to go with the latter. They seem to get microaggression (probably without even knowing the term) in a way that they barely have to think about what they are doing and saying in order to avoid the harm it causes. A lot people-atheist, agnostic and Christians-have asked me and wondered why/how someone who volunteers, cares, shows compassion, and does all the good deeds, but also is a polytheist or an atheist, would go to Hell for their beliefs despite being the person they were and the deeds they did. And honestly, it's hard for me too. However, despite never having an answer (I probably should do some research), I become a better informed and educated person. At the end of these conversations I feel good and at peace, and simply, a better me. So thank you to all who have helped me to avoid being microaggressive and helped me to grow in my faith. Love and Faith, Melanie J. Lofgren If you are interested in seeing my research, all of it or just some, contact me or leave a comment below. Thanks. |